On Depression

invited to write on depression... 

Depression

One word that holds a lot of weight, a feeling of unmeasurable sadness. No one can profoundly define the word depression but the person who went through it.

Almost all of us if not all human beings, at some point in our lifetime have been into this emotional, psychological torment. Each experiences varies, as well as the reasons and causes. The heaviness and deepness differs.

Since I was invited to write about depression ... please allow me to share depression according to my own experience.

Each life has its story to tell, as I have mine. I can never compare with anyone the degree of the weight that I have been through in life. Recollecting, I could tell my story wasn’t ordinary. I went to different stages of sadness and pain , of fear, of loneliness, of threat, of hunger, of having nothing, no shelter, no food, no financial sources. Being betrayed, being abused and used, being slandered, being accused, being rejected, being denied, being left alone, being alone on my own.

I can recall how weak I was. I have no one to tell how I was, because I can not tell anyone of how I was... There they could see the casual me but no one sees the struggles I’ve been wrestling inside.

But looking back I could tell now, how I survived. First and foremost it is the knowledge of who God is and who I am that built the me in the middle of my storms. Faithfully God guided me to the path that led me to the understanding of the knowledge of Him. I could only think now that someone, somebody, somewhere in time prayed for me or was praying for me. But even so, I believe that it is the grace of God that pulled me into His loving embrace.

Like the waves of the sea I’ve tossed and turned many times. Though equipped with the knowledge of the Almighty God, but still I lost grip of my faith and been drifted away devoured by my circumstances. Things wasn’t easy. I chose to walk on my own, following wherever my heart leads. Though at the back of my mind I know  God is with me all the way. Bumped with too many in life I managed on my own defenses, but there were times that I just didn’t  know anymore how to think, how to move on. There was a time that I surrendered to that ailing state of my being... and yielded to my sadness and pain... to the point of losing my physical strength ... I could not even lift a finger... I could only hear my heart slowly beating... and almost could not even open my eyes... could only hear whizzing sound of nothingness... this was the feeling of giving in to hopelessness ... everything around painted emptiness.

Yet, again graciously God paved the path for me into the understanding of His loving faithful grace... He led me again to the knowledge of who He is... and to the comprehension of His divine purposes and will.

I realized many times, that whenever I gave in to the pit of depression ... God would faithfully pull me back into His loving embrace... 

Depression did not really ... and cannot swallow me... because God’s amazing grace will always faithfully come to rescue me...

I have learned that even in the midst of hopelessness God will put in our hearts the understanding of the reasons why things has to be... and in all of these we grow more in faith in trusting His Heart and His divine will...

Overcoming depression is a choice.

Between a choice to be defeated 

and a choice to survive and move on...

©️Manuelle Augustine 

12 December 2020